For Students

Child development specialist Siggie Cohen has spent years working with more than 5,000 families. One thing she has watched, over and over: adults hide their instructions inside questions.

Turn that around: you may notice you do a version of it too. Meaning "I want to," you say "whatever." Meaning "I'm tired," you say "I'm fine." Meaning "please help me," you say "you decide."

It's not that the adults don't want to hear you. They just can't read minds. The more clearly you name what you need, the easier it is for them to help — instead of guessing, and guessing wrong.

"I need some quiet. Can you give me ten minutes before you ask me again?"

"I'm not being lazy. I actually don't understand this. Can you walk through it with me one more time?"

"I don't want to talk about school today. Can we talk about something else?"

Being clear is not being rude. It's the way that respects both sides — the adult doesn't have to guess, and you don't have to get angry that they guessed wrong.

You will grow up. You'll want to say clear things to bosses, partners, friends, doctors. This is a skill you can start practicing now.

Try it once today: whatever you most want to say, say it plainly.

Someone spent twenty years with over two hundred children and reached one simple conclusion:

The kids with high emotional intelligence aren't the "well-behaved" ones. They are simply the ones who don't have to pretend in front of the adults.

Here are seven things you don't have to do anymore.

· You don't have to hide what you feel. Saying "I'm a bit tired" is easier than throwing something.

· You don't have to act like everything is fine. When something is wrong, you can tell an adult you trust.

· You don't have to win. Being disappointed can be a cry, a pause, and then coming back.

· You can notice how other people feel. That's not being nosy — it's a gift.

· You can say sorry — and you can be forgiven. Everyone is still learning this one.

· You can ask for what you need. "I want a hug." "I want a minute alone." There is nothing shameful in this.

· You don't have to perform for adults. Their mood is not your responsibility.

You don't have to fold yourself smaller to be the version adults want.

What we see is the real you. Just like this, you are already enough.