Loving and Making Safe Are Not the Same Thing
You're already giving plenty of love. What your child needs isn't more love — it's permission to be themselves.
One line, maybe more important than the rest of this piece:
"Loving your child and making them feel safe are not the same thing."
— from parenting coach Reem Raouda, after working with over 200 children. Love makes you cook for them, worry over their grades, get up at night to pull the blanket back up. Safety is something else: the child can be in a bad mood in front of you, can be angry, can fail — without fearing punishment, withdrawal, or the long silence.
Raouda named seven signs that EQ is growing in a child. You don't need to "train" your child to do any of them. You just need to be the kind of adult who makes them safe enough to do them on their own.
1. They can say what they feel. "I'm sad today." "I'm a bit scared." Feelings with names don't need to scream themselves out as tantrums or slammed doors.
2. They come to you with the messy stuff — the fight, the bad grade, the broken thing — because in the past, when they tried, they weren't hit back with shame.
3. They can be disappointed without going to pieces. They may cry, then return. Resist the urge to "fix" it; sit beside them quietly while it passes.
4. They notice how others feel. "Mom, are you tired?" — that ability is learned by watching how you treat people.
5. They can apologize — really apologize. Not the forced "sorry." A child capable of repair has received repair.
6. They can ask for what they need: "I want a hug," "I need a minute alone." Many adults can't do this. When a child can, it means the asking has been answered before.
7. They don't perform for you. They don't constantly read your face. They can be in a bad mood in front of you. This is the rarest of all.
You don't have to work harder. You don't have to read more parenting theory. You only have to be the adult around whom your child doesn't have to act. The rest, the child grows on their own.
from Reem Raouda